Friday 11 March 2011

Redundancy

Last Friday afternoon was Betty's first induction session at school.  In the hours leading up to it I was an emotional wreck.  I had an urge to listen to 80s music - the music from my own school days.  I imagined walking Betty up the school playground later that day for the first time and I cried.  I remembered walking up the very same playground on my first day of school.  I thought about my childhood and wondered how and when I got to where I am now, with two children of my own, one about to start school, and the other not that far behind.  I opened the cupboard to seek out my secret stash of chocolate buttons and they had gone.  I cried. 

It wasn't the physical act of taking Betty to school for the first time that was bothering me, for she is desperate to go and so ready for it, but the symbolism of it all.  I have spent the last four and half years in a blissful little mummy bubble (ok, not always blissful I know, sometimes bloody hard, as this blog documents, but totally blissful in retrospect) and now it feels like I am entering back into real life.  A life full of rigid routines that I will no longer have any say over, a life of my kids not being around nearly so much, a life of things becoming slightly more out of my control.  I know that my children are still only four and two and not about to leave home, but suddenly life seems a little more serious. 

No more whiling away the days making play dough, painting, throwing glitter everywhere, dressing up as fairies, having playdates, going to the playground, watching CBeebies.  Well not with Betty anyway.  Of course I still have my gorgeous delightful Dolly to do all these lovely things with, but both she and I will really really miss Betty's presence.  And even my baby Dolly (who will be two in a few weeks) will be starting pre-school after Easter, and embarking on her own rapid flight out of the nest.

So with all of this going on, I feel emotional, and sad, but happy, and a little bit like I am heading for redundancy in my current job.

6 comments:

Beccers said...

A good friend of mine was just telling me that she feels like the baby stage of her life is almost over now and how strange that seems. I reckon you've got a little while longer (her littlest is 3 soon), but it must be tough preparing yourself as well as those little girls of yours. The good thing is that the next stage is sure to be just as exciting and rewarding in different ways.

Iota said...

It is a really big deal, the ending of the baby chapter, and the working out of how to do the next one. I think you are wise not to underestimate it.

That sounds rather doom-laden. I prefer Beccers' comment to mine. Stick with hers.

Louise said...

Having daughters born on exactly the same day... I HAVE a very large lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face. I dread September and cannot bear to even think about it! Reading your post has made reality smack me in the face a little! Oh dear...

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Pig in the Kitchen said...

It's really tough when the first one starts school and you describe the feelings beautifully. I felt the same way for my other children too, but the first one is definitely the hardest. *sending cyber courage*
Pig x

Sparx said...

I'd like to think however that this particular redundancy has a good payout... But really; I thought Betty was younger than Charlie - at school already? My mind is boggling, he won't be off until September and I am resolutely denying it to myself... sort of like when I was pregnant and didn't think there would be a baby. I am utterly unconvinced about the whole school thing.